Friendship: true or false?

I just woke up from a dream I was having about an old friend in Santa Cruz. Aside from all the usual weird stuff that happens in dreams, the two of us were just catching up and reminding each other of things long since passed. It was nice, you know? Then I woke up and remembered that we haven’t spoken for real in nearly four-and-a-half years.

First off, it should be known that I’m the one who closed the book on our friendship. We last met after I’d returned to Santa Cruz from Japan (in part) to consolidate all the crap I’d left behind at people’s houses three years prior. This had been our first reunion since a rather fractious rendezvous in Okinawa that had left our relationship severely strained — especially from Yumi’s perspective. (What’s troubling is, I’m not even sure if our friend is aware that anything ever happened.) Without going into detail, the fact is I didn’t stand up for Yumi as one very awkward and humiliating incident played itself out — my inability to act stemming from a sense of shame and the shock of our friend’s sudden condescension. For Yumi, that was the last straw. She has a low tolerance when it comes to getting stepped on, and, once-wronged, takes little issue in dismissing her offenders — even those close to her.

For me it’s not that simple (though sometimes I wish it were). I cannot so easily overlook the good that I know is inside someone — especially a friend — no matter how malicious an act they may commit. I attribute this to my own long-standing drive to please others, manifestations of which would include my seeming inability to say “no” or cutting people too much slack when my conscious tells me to speak out. My attitude in this regard has hardened somewhat over the past few years, but three or four years ago I still felt dogged by my ethical dilemma: exactly when is a friend no longer so?

Time does have a way of healing over old wounds, but while in Santa Cruz it wasn’t long before many of the same issues came up again that tightened the knot in my gut. I didn’t feel comfortable, yet I never brought up the issue of Okinawa. It just didn’t seem worth it at that point. After I got my guitar back from his place, I figured that was just sort of it.

What bothers me about this quiet parting is that it still, you know, bothers me. I’m pretty sure I had this dream as a follow-up to a podcast I was listening to about the meaning of friendship. In it, the speaker describes a bad falling out he’d just had with his best friend, who abruptly ended the relationship in a very hostile manner after a particularly harsh disagreement. Sad, really. In trying to justify the friend’s reaction, the speaker discussed a recent talk he’d heard on four Buddhist precepts of true love, which he transposed onto the concept of true friendship. Briefly, they are: 1) the capacity to make someone happy; 2) the ability to take someone’s pain away; 3) joy; and 4) freedom to let the other person be themselves. Based on what had happened, the speaker came to the conclusion that he was no longer able to satisfy these criteria with respect to his friend and, thus, the friendship died.

I can’t say the same applies to my situation, but some comparison can be made — especially with respect to number 4. During the “Okinawan incident”, Yumi and I were in a bit of a vulnerable position and were made to feel humiliated to some extent. Our friend took advantage of this power inequity — I think more as an expression of frustration more than anything else — and loused up our trip. Whether the intent was conscious or not is unknown, as we never confronted him about it. (See, there I go again making apologies for others…)

I guess what I’m left wondering now is, what should I do? This obviously stills weighs heavily upon my mind; it isn’t the first time it’s come up. I felt pretty bad for not inviting this guy to our wedding because he really should have been there, only it wasn’t the right time to think about making amends on such short notice. (And besides, Yumi was having none of it.) I guess what I need to do is first come to an understanding of what true friendship means to me —do I feel completely comfortable when I’m with someone? do I like the way I am with them? — and then decide whether or not to clear the air and give an explanation as to the sudden freeze in relations. I’m not looking to rekindle our friendship, but there’s really no sense in me carrying around this mental burden if I’m the only one having stress dreams. I just don’t know.